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|Tuesday, August 28th, 2007|
|Waiting Line.... It IS my time....
My trial concludes itself. My time is drawing near. Ten minutes left. Do I stay or do I go? They say, “Leap…. and the net will appear”. I say, “The net binds me to the ground, rather than protects me from it”. Perhaps this too, will change. Current Mood: anxious
|Tuesday, January 30th, 2007|
|A Prayr for Ancient Bloodlines
I've honestly no idea what to say at this point. If I've learned anything from 2006 it's that EVERYTHING can change in the blink of an eye. Also, NOTHING is stable. Anything that once seemed soo certian can eaisly be ripped from beneath your feet. This time last year I had an entirely different life.
Although the past ten months were incredable, I feel crippling fear and humbleing awe at the realization that I've just bested the Devil in a game of chance. I've journeyed to a forbidden land and tasted the delicious, poisonous fruit. I sacrificed much of my morals, who I am, and some of the people dear to me and have also strayed horribly far from the path I selected for myself. I lost much along the way; yet gained some irreplaceable, priceless wisdom concerning myself and the way things work. I don't think it was a fair trade and I regret much of the loss. I'm not even sure it was necessary. Yet it happened and despite all this, somehow I have returned and have lived to tell the tale.
To sum up this experience, the old saying comes to mind:
"Knock on the Devil's door long enough and somoene's bound to answer"
Fortuinatly, I escaped with my life and enough of it left to salvage and hopefully make amends.
A completley unlikely occurance came from this that makes me wonder if it was necessary. An ancient love of mine made a grand re-entry and crashed into my life at the begining of my decent into chaos. Despite my falling into the Devil's playground, someone above and divine happened to nottice and sent this man. He turned out to be the one who pulled me from the drowning waters of the lake of fire. He lifted my limp, water scoarched body above the liquid flame. He closed my skin and cleaned me of the blood I spilt myself. He fed the knot I forced and tied in my empty stomach and filtered my blood of the poision I gave it to survive.
Now I'm on my feet again and I've rediscovered the way. He no longer carries me but walks happily by my side, shoulder to shoulder and hand in hand. One must realize that there was a long period of time where I ruled us out as a complete impossibility. Yet here we are. This reality is absolutely amazing I wouldn't trade it for the world. The love I carry for him is the most ancient emotion I harbor that lingers in permanent bloom.
I pray to imaginary gods that we cover the distance together and enjoy the road where our paths are one.
As it was in the begining, is now, and ever shall be.
Amen. Current Mood: Awe Struck
|Monday, December 25th, 2006|
|Wednesday, November 1st, 2006|
|Story of my Life
So I was out walking the streets of Berkeley, alone, by myself, with a hooded sweater on, at 11:00pm, on a Wed evening.....
I know, it's the most intellegent thing a female college student can do, right?
While I was walking to clear my head, I kept thinking about the human condition and social dynamic. We spend our entire lives obsessed with this concept of Love and finding "the one" for you. Ya know who I'm talking about. The one you were made and meant for, the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Ofcourse, this train of thought led me straight to thinking about my current boyfriend, Michael Matthews. The concept of love is romantic, mysterious, enchanting and awe inspiring. I'm absolutly in love with my Boy and wouldnt trade him for the world. However, it got me thinking, this relationship with Mike has been signifficantly different than any other relationship I've ever had. This has a timeless, eternal quality to it that excites as much as frightens me. While I am eternally obsessed and drawn to this love like a moth to the light, I can't help but fear the light for I know of it's electrical current. Forever is a long time and in my humble, short, 20 years of existance, it's hard to imagine the idea of spending the next 60 or so with the same person.
However, what frightens me is that I CAN imagine a life with Mike and the picture in my head is a good one. Never before have I been able to concieve a photo that fits the frame so well.
Another concept that boggles my logic based mind is that of "Love at first sight". IT SEEMS MATHEMATICALLY IMPOSSIBLE!!!! Yet, it's recently that I've become a believer. When Mike and I first met, I was actually with someone else at the time and we were both Sophmores in high school. Furthermore, Mike's from Seattle, I'm from San Diego, and we were polar opposite human beings and probably would have never approached one another had we gone to the same high school. Despite these drastic odds working against our favor, when we met, SOMETHING clicked in my head and I was drawn to him. We spent the entire night sitting on swings (at a certian beach my cousin knows soo well) talking to eachother about everything and nothing. Later that night, I snuck out after my mother's pathetic cerfew and we had a gay old time lighting road signs on fire. LITTERALLY, sparks flew!
To make these odds more extreem, Mike left to go whever he went and we completly fell out of contact for 3 years. You'd think "The End", right? BUT NO. After my freshmen year of college, Mike and Charles passed through Santa Cruz and stayed with me for a night. Charles went to bed but once again, something snapped in my head and Mike and I stayed up till about 6 in the morning talking about everything and nothing, mostly about where we'd been the past three years. Mike and Charles left the next day on a road trip to New York.
ONCE MORE, you'd think, "Game Over", right? WRONG AGAIN. Mike and I stayed in contact all through Sophmore year of college and when Spring Break rolled around, soo many things had snapped in my head that I lost my sanity and booked a greyhound ticket up to Seattle to visit him. It was then, during those 5 and a half days of living with Mike, that he and I finally gave into all the random engine fires sprouting up in our heads and we fell in love.
After that, my head stopped sparking up fires and it seemed like the Universe began to snap things. The entire world seemed to twist and bend in our favor and EVERYTHING started working out. Somehow, we convinced both our parents to give us a shit load of money and my mother's mini van to live together in a fancy condo in Santa Cruz, do summer school, and just be together. At the end of the summer, he had to return to Oregon to school and I moved to Berkeley to continue my schooling.
Once again, it seemed we were sentenced to long distance, BUT NO. Due to some unfortuinate events, Mike is currently sorting things out up in Oregon and planning to move down to Berkeley, get a job and start up at our local community college. For the FIRST TIME IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, I'm going to have a boyfriend who will be near me. Who will be living in my city and who wont be a fucking million miles away at some other school.
A story soo odd and soo mathematically impossible as this one proves to me beyond a doubt that everything happens for a reason and that "Love at first sight" actually MEANS something. A story this odd deserves a pictures in my mind that fits a frame. Mike and I are soo close, and we both have come soo far in our own personal journeys. We truly are unique people and we're probably the strangest coupple you'll ever experience. However, we're also probably the most laid back, maddly in love, and happy man and woman on the face of this planet.
I love my relationship with Mike.
Long Live the King of Ice and Snow and his beautiful May Queen.
A story like this only happens in fairy tales. Current Mood: Contemplative
|Sunday, October 1st, 2006|
|I feel I'm sputtering out.
I feel soo goddamn empty. I'm tired as fuck and probably terribly depressed. I'm lonely here at Berkeley and I can't seem to find the proper peace of mind to get all my school work done. I just had two math midterms and I'm not pleased with myself on eaither of them. I've become closed and cold with the one I love and I hate myself for that. But it wasnt all my fault. I just look at everything and I feel stuck, like I'm treading water and barely keeping my head afloat. My linin limbs are soaked through and weak. The glowing in my chest, the fire in my belly that carried me through the most amazing summer of my life is completly gone and I cant see how to get it back. I feel like i'm running a marathon on broken bones.
I'm just burnt out.
I wish there was some sort of Novocaine for the Soul that I could overdose on and fall asleep.
Life is hard and so am i
You better give me something
So I dont die
Novocaine for the soul
Before I sputter out
Life is white and I am black
Jesus and his lawyer
Are coming back
Oh my darling will you be here
Before I sputter out
Guess whos living here
With the great undead
This paint by numbers life is fucking with my head
Life is good and I feel great
cause mother says I was
A great mistake
Novovaine for the soul
You better give me something
To fill the hole
Before I sputter out
I've sputtered out. Current Mood: empty
|Sunday, September 3rd, 2006|
I guess I've gone and done it. I'm offically a student of The University of California at Berkeley and I don't know how I feel. I've completly stopped sleeping on my own. I just cant seem to find peace of mind in this city. The Ambien are running low... But that's ok. I miss my boyfriend dearly. There's a pain in my heart that's suddenly an empty space. For all of you who dont know, I'm currently in love with Michael Matthews and we complete eachother and make the world go round. Unfortuinatly, after spending the most brillant summer of my life together, we had to part ways. He's up in Oregon going to school and I'm down here in Berkeley staring at the ceiling. That's ok, too.. I guess.
I flew up here last Sunday, so it's been exactly a week, now. A week of class at Berkeley and a week of the worst isolation and lonlienss I've fealt in a long time. Berkeley is an intimidating school with cold, robot-like people. Ironically, I know quite a few people here from high school. We didn't exactly run in the same crowd back then, but birds of a feather, right? I've contacted most of them via Facebook, but we'll see how that turns out.
I haven't been passive about it, eaither. I honestly tried to meet people. I'm always friendly and outgoing in my classes. But I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. I sit in my apartment, whenever i'm not trying to sleep, and do my mathematics. It only entertains my mind and distracts me for about 3 hours at a time. I remember the days when HOURS would fly by and I wouldnt nottice. I'm terrified that math doesnt feed my soul anymore. But I'm off to go try again. Off to shower then journey to the lybrary to try to do math in the comfort of soo many volumes.
I'm lonely here. Anyone's compassion and sympathy is appericated.
- Molly Current Mood: lonely
|Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006|
|Tuesday, May 2nd, 2006|
By Popular Demand, Here's my pretty face! Current Mood: excited
|Monday, May 1st, 2006|
Your application for transfer admission to the College of Letters and Sciences has been approved for Fall 2006. We welcome you to join us at Berkeley!
Who would have thought? Current Mood: drained
|Sunday, April 30th, 2006|
By popular demand, everyone wanted a picture of myself... Now normally i'd be happy to post one, BUT apparently you need a paid account to load a picture that's not already posted somewhere on the internet... and a paid account is something I do not have... Current Mood: discontent
|Tuesday, April 4th, 2006|
|... raise the blade,
For the first time in 6 whole years, I, Molleen Bridget Duffy Stermon, got a hair cut!!!
and re-arrange me 'till I'm sane! Current Mood: Shape shifted
|Thursday, December 1st, 2005|
|This is my December
The dirt and dust draw away from her feet. The earth seems to cringe back from the touch of her naked foot. It shifts and makes noises of discontent as her weight moves itself. She pays no heed. Her long white limbs continue to carry her over the hollowed grounds: hollowed of depth and hollowed of life. The earth is revolted at her presence here. It openly complains that it does not wish to hold her. But God gave it no choice. God made it the foundation for all that live and the resting place for all that have died. It is humans that have made this particular stretch of earth hollow. They litter the layers of rock and stone with their bodies when they're not useing them. But no body tossed aside has ever been reclaimed and the ground wonders why that is. For particles of dust and dirt have no sense of life nor death nor passage of time. Their matter is dead to begin with and memories of life have long since past. For this reason, it is quite impossible to explain the ground it's purpose when it has been chosen to hold the dead. For all the earth knows is that you've chosen this particular place to park your organic vehicle.
Despite this quality of all grounds on which we step, the earth here behaves in a queer fashion. It seems to have personafied itself. As if it has accumulated the life of those who came here to end theirs. She knows this. She expected this reaction. The very dust and dirt openly object and revolt in their torment. It seems they hate this ritual of unwanted souls. But it is because of this reality of being forsaken that this earth has it's twisted sense of life. She wastes no time considering how the end of hers means the addition to it's. She distracts herself with her lazy gated walk down where through the disturbed dirt, an invisable path is formed. She stumbles upon a sliver of land that does not shift beneath her feet and make noise. The silence screams her name. So narrow is this untouched earth, paralleled by bodies and life in such decay. She wastes no time in moving the land herself, with her own two opaque hands. Soon all is ready and the earth swarms around her in a whirlpool of dust and slithering sand and stone. It's fureious with her as it was with all who came before her. She produces from the slip in her hair the condenced, shaved metals that came from deep beneath the surface. This earth is cold and lifeless in her grasp. It glints in the rising sun and behaves correctly, as a good little peice of earth should. It makes no effort to move away from her body as it's pushed beneath the skin and through the vein in her leg. She lays back now, letting the red water come out and fill the hole in the heart. As her eyes fall, the sun rises on the first morning of winter.
'It is now December.' is the last thought that echos through her head as it drains itself of blood. 'Look how much I've grown and be proud of me. I now go back to sleep.' Current Mood: Very Sleepy
|Monday, August 22nd, 2005|
Not too long ago, the Love of my College Life saddled up his horse and rode East, into the sunrise. I watched the sharp shades of light seize him and fealt the ice like grip of the sun paralyze my feet to the ground. "He wanted to go" I said to comfort the aching in my heart. "He needs this".
It didnt matter that minutes later, after the light had consumed him and blinded my vision, my knees wobbled and my body crumpled back to the earth from whence it came. Current Mood: Abandoned
|Monday, May 23rd, 2005|
|IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!
It's my birthday today and I'm now 19 years old. It's queer how the first thing that comes to mind is that if i committed a murder the moment i was born, and was sentenced to 20 years of prison, then i'd only have one more year left to go. It seems like it's all flown by and becomming 19 really snuck up on me fast. I feel old now. The pleasures of being a teenager are only mine for a single year more. I dont know if that's a good thing or not. For better or for worse, here we go.
This weekend has been one of the best birthday weekends ever. Saturday I litteraly did NOTHING. I sat around my boyfriend's house and ate food and slept in and did nothing. I had a test on Friday and thus, no HW for my birthday weekend (SWEET!!). But Ironically, I found i kinda missed doing math problems... Anyway, Poor Benjamin, he had a giant ten page paper due today, so he worked like a slave to get it done Saturday night while I was lazing about and doing nothing. The reason being was that he wanted to take me out Sunday night. It was SOO amazing. We got in his red Alfa Romeo and drove over the hill to San Jose where we enjoyed a nice itilian dinner. YUMM YUMM. I tried something new, they were like potato pasta dumplings in a pesto-creame-chese-pinenut-sause. VERY rich, and VERY delicious. They were called gnocchi, I've never heard of them before, but I was glad to try something new. Benjamin got a calamari steak. (YUCK, FISH!!) He didnt like it that well, which is surpriseing cus that boy loves his fish. This only resulted in him eating the rest of my plate, which was ok cus I ate too much food in the first place. Anyway, after dinner he wisked me away in the Alfa to the San Jose Center for Preforming Arts where we saw the musical CATS by Andrew Loyd Webber. OMG, what a show. I've ALWAYS wanted to see this musical. I've loved it since i was a kid and I saw it for the first time on video at my friend Jackic Cuccaro's house in San Diego. OMG, it was the BEST present i could have asked for. And ofcourse, no date is complete with out ice cream at the end. After the musical, we went to Mariane's Ice Cream to share a bannana split, SOO DELICIOUS! And then we were home by ten, a little early for a date, but he had school today and he wanted to proff read his paper before handing it in. I feel SOO luck that i've got one of the best boyfriend's ever.
It was an awsome weekend. Today, however, is my REAL birthday and Douglas came down from San Fransisco to take me out to lunch. HAHA, no more linear algerbra for ME today. We went out for extreemly fine chineese food at the Omie restraunt here in Santa Cruz, then bobba and wandering around on the mall. It was nice to see him and catch up on old times, and weezle a meal out of his wallet. HEHEHEHEHEHEEE, it's good to be the birthday girl. Now, here I am, in Ben's room, bannished from the downstairs kitchen where Kendra(Ben's mommy) and my beloved boyfriend are cooking me up a storm surprise birthday feast. Mmmmmmmmm, I'll be soo fat by the end of this week. Soo much good food.
That's pretty much it. This is post is out of the ordinary, but I thought i'd let the world know how happy I am that it's my birthday and that so many people love and adore me up here and in SD.
Well, I'm off to call my biological family and tell them to go out to dinner tonight in my honor.
- Molly Current Mood: Really Happy and Content
|Saturday, May 21st, 2005|
|Wednesday, May 18th, 2005|
|Run, Wolf Warrior, Run
Run, wolf warrior, to ends eternal
Through the wreckage of the death of the day
Scent of Silence under starlight spinning
A captured beast within a human skin
Are you serching for long lost landscapes
Lit by flowers and crystal cascades?
Where the lamb lies down with the lion
Where the wolf is one with the wild
Run, wolf warrior, through kingdoms' chaos
Senseless cities and ghost-towns towering
Howl, O hunger, through few know you're crying
Face upturned into that midnight moon
Are you hunting for mystic mountains
Where the air is like liquid laughter?
Where the beasts interit the earth
Where the last again willl be first
Run, wolf warrior, to hide your hunger
The rain will wash away the pains of the day
In your eyes there are cold fires burning
Tongues of flame that can never be tamed
Are you running from Man's delusion
Majestic madness and your exclusion
To where the lamb lies down with the lion?
Are you running down ancient pathways
Through this dark and deserted land
To where man is once more a child?
Are you running to freedom's fortress
By the side of wide open seas
Where the wolf is one with the wild?
Run, run, run...
Run on through the rain..
Music: Yoko Kanno
Words: Chris Mosdell
I have been very taken with this song as of late, I should hope the wolf runs within us all. Current Mood: Tired
|Tuesday, May 10th, 2005|
|The Boy With No Name
Broken and sorrowful boy,
Look at yourself and wonder like we all do. Why do you cry so? I see through the cracks you made with the razor's edge. It's perfectly clear, the window you've left open to your embedded soul. I have mind to sink my fingers in, extend my claws beneath your skin and see just exactly what you're hideing from the world. But I advance, and you cringe your muscels to drag your bones to evade me. I stop and hold still wondering if that is all yolu can do, will unwilling limbs to recoil and furl into the fetal position. Your face looks at me, more like looks through me. I expect misplaced fear and haterid in your eyes but what mine are met with stunns me. Calm, perfect peaceful calm. Blue water dripps out and runs down your cheeks, red water seeps out and runs along your skin. They mix and fall from your body and seep into the floorboards. I decide to bend my body and bring myself down to your level. It is here, with my muscels still, I wait for youre advance. You do nothing of the sort. You just remain, perfect and beautiful as you are, stairing through me.
"Boy," I say. Your eyes flicker for a moment, sending sparks through me that weren't there before. "I say, Boy, what is your name?" You remain as you are, youre eyes soo deep and set in their color that I question the existance of what I just witnessed. I nottice they are clearer, more focused, focused on me instead of the wall behind me. "your name, Boy, if you know your name, tell it to me"
You reach out. I can see the shell around you breaking, or merely bending to permit your arm to petrude. Your skin's soo white and stretched out over your bones that I have the instant urge to nourish you. You shift onto your knees and start crawling. You seem to test every inch of ground beneath you before you shift your frame forward. You seem to be comming at me in slow motion, slithering with the rise and fall of your shoulder blades. Patiently, I wait. You reach out to me and wrap your bony fingers around my left wrist. Your coldness creeps through me. It radiats out of you and devistates me, sending edrenelin pulsing through my veins and urging me for flight. I remain. You pull gently and I give. You take my arm into your posession and pine over it. The ice shatters as fire surges through me and slamms my body forward, giving in to the pain. I thrash about wildly, moaning and crying for the release of my flesh and bone as I watch you carve into it useing your fang and claw. Suddenly, as quickly as you had begun, it was over and i was cradeling my arm to my breast bone and cowering in the corner before I knew what happened. I looked back towards you, your eyes are now glazed over and focused on nothing but I shall never doubt your contemplation ever again. My cureiousity sated, I rise and slowly exit the room, never once taking my eyes from your's or turning my back to your hunched body. As the door handel clicks, locking the pannel of wood safely between us, I breathe a sigh of relief and finally glance down at my arm to asses the dammage. With the precision of a scalpal and the delecacy of mice, his teeth had carved the word "Unknown" into my forearm, creating a wound that would scar and leave me branded for a while. I breathed in a deep sigh of releif finding that he had (purposefully?) missed any of the life-threatening veins running through my wrist.
With that, i stood up from the threshhold of the door and proceeded out into the hallway to have a quick run through the medics then get on to my other patients all the while wondering how that boy had forgotten his name. Current Mood: Exausted
|Wednesday, April 27th, 2005|
|Impaled Through The Shoulder
There's a throbbing in my shoulder, a pulsating ball of fire radiating heat throughout my body. It's heavy. It weighs upon my torso and binds me to the earth where I cannot get up. I struggle and bend my bones to lift this sphere buried between the shoulder blade and collarbone. It's weight suppresses my efforts and my limbs flail about in panic as I realize there is no escape. Fear and terror seize my mind as surely as the earth holds me. My sense of self screams and dives down, deep into my body to escape it. No matter where I run to, no matter which crevice of my body becomes my mind’s refuge, the vibrations corrupt every bone down to my toes. This piercing light within my shoulder captivates all it holds.
It's slowly driving me mad. The unnatural convolutions of my mortal cage force upon me the acid-like touch of it’s shimmering. Flight has failed me. I turn to face it within my mind, to embrace it and smother it with my ravaged and infested body. My consciousness creeps back up my spine until it emerges behind my eyes. Was this the wisest move? Was this the right choice? I’m now caged within my skull, staring into the eyes of the devil. I demand my heart to pound the rhythm of the war drums, to challenge this fiend. My blood responds with a surge through my veins to flush it out. My lungs heave in ice cold air to diminish the flames with chilled breath. This only feeds the fire and my heels are forced to the edge of the cliff on which I stand.
My own rhythm is lost in the undertow of the overpowering flame. I breathe in the final breath that freezes the lungs in permanent suspended animation and let my being fall from the face. Finally, the white pulsating light is extinguished in my final moment of victory, and I am shrouded in darkness forever and for always. Current Mood: Tired
|Wednesday, March 30th, 2005|
|Thursday, March 17th, 2005|
I typed up a rather LONG journal entry about the disturbing and upsetting dream i just had, but i'm on my boyfriend's PC and the fucking journal ate it before i could publish it. Fucking Journal. Current Mood: pissed off